Breakdown. Breakthrough.

After the initial brutal months of recovery from surgery had passed and I was given the amazing news of being cancer free, everyone expected my life and I to get back to normal. The cancer is gone, you can eat and speak again (kinda), and the doctors say you're fine, therefore this is all over. This "get back to normal" was coming from all directions...doctors, family, friends. I mean, I get it...it was all coming from a good place, all anyone wanted was to put these horrendous few months behind us and just simply move on. Believe me, that's all I wanted too. Spoiler alert: getting back to normal didn't happen and I was the farthest thing any human can be from "fine." I desperately wanted to get back to normal, but I was broken into a million pieces and as I found out, when I was putting myself back together, the pieces didn't fit the same as they did before.

At the time, it was like a light had gone off inside me. I was empty, dark, and lost. I felt so disconnected from myself. I didn't care about anything or anyone, I was angry, short tempered, and completely checked out. Turns out I was in the middle of this real thing that actually exists, doctors called it depression. Who knew? ---actually, everyone. But this was a new term for me. Sure I had heard it before, but I always thought of it as this term reserved for people who just weren't tough enough or strong enough to handle the shitty situations life threw at them. But no no, it exists.... depression is an actual, real, physical thing. And I was in the middle of it. Enter: full blown mental breakdown. I was so lost, I felt like I was in a dark forest trying to find my way out, only everything I had known before didn't make sense anymore. I decided I needed to make a choice: I can either let this cancer thing make me harder (angry, bitter, mean, etc.) or it can make me softer (more open, kind, forgiving, etc). Cancer was turning me into this hard, rigid person that had this bitter perspective on life and I didn't like it. It was not fun being this sad, angry, empty person all the time, believe me I know, I tried it on for quite a while. So I began to take steps to get myself out. I was about as low as you can get, so this was a process and it took a while. But eventually the light was turned back on inside me.

A few of the many things I learned from this breakdown are as follows:

You never know how strong you are until you have to be. It really is true, give yourself a little more credit, you will surprise yourself. 

You need to figure out what works for you and you need to Trust the process. Whether its overcoming cancer or depression, overcoming a fear, getting through a bad day, or simply learning a new skill...figure out what tools work for you and trust them. The struggle is part of the process so don't fight it. The struggle is proof that you are there, showing up, and you are working to make it/you better.

You have to breakdown in order to breakthrough. I hate to break it to ya, but the breakdown is usually part of the process. But don't worry, the breakthrough is sooooo worth it!! You need to surrender, give in...to all of it. The fear, the pain, the sadness...all of it. You can't fight it, you can't run from it, eventually it will catch up with you. Once you surrender, the healing can begin. 

I also learned that when you hit rock bottom, you are willing to try absolutely anything to get yourself out. Therapy? Sure. Meditation? Journalling? Why not. I tried it all. Even juicing became part of my program. You know shit has got to be bad if Amy Uruburu is drinking (and enjoying) kale, celery, romaine, cucumbers, broccoli stems and lemons on a regular basis!! That is like the farthest thing from a double double -- what kind of alternate universe is this?!

I'm sure a lot of people will think I'm crazy when I say this, but in a weird twisted way, I'm thankful for what has happened. Cancer and its aftermath has been the catalyst for great change in my life. I have learned so much about myself and about life and for that I am truly thankful.  This horrible thing called cancer broke me into a million pieces, but it also broke me open. I am now more open, more aware and more tuned in on so many levels. My entire perspective has shifted and is leading me down this path that is making me a more open person, and in turn, I feel a better person. And for that I am grateful.