I've been in a rut lately. A lot of people attribute it to my birthday and turning 30, that's really not it though. I'll admit, that's on the list, but it's like #12, not #1. I've noticed many things while in the middle of this rut and trying to snap out of it. I've noticed that I don't write as much as I normally do. And I've noticed that learning the lessons doesn't mean shit if you can't actually apply them. It's a major thing to realize something, learn something...but it definitely doesn't end there.
I've written about all the lessons I've learned, changes in perspective, life changing aha moments...but the opportunities to apply those lessons never stops. You can know it and apply it 50 times in a row, but when that 51st time hits, you have to do it again. The fact that you've been on your game the previous 50 doesn't mean a damn thing. Life is always throwing crap at you to test your will power, patience, heart, attitude, nerves, and so on and so on. Whether it's driving behind the slowest driver on the face of the earth when you have somewhere to be, or it's your yearly check up at the oncologist office. Those are all opportunities for me to apply what I've been preaching about on here. Being thankful. Being present and in the moment. Forgiveness. Kindness to myself and others.
My rut started about a month ago. The nerves had been looming for a few weeks because of my upcoming annual PET scan. So that already is a BIG trigger for me. To keep it short, I still haven't had my PET scan, it's still hanging over my head as this unresolved thing, which in turn means, the nerves are still there. Since last year, I have had to change my health insurance, and apparently, my new health insurance won't cover my PET scan. My doctors have personally spoken with my insurance, explaining I am 2 years post cancer and getting yearly scans is important. They even requested a "Peer to Peer" which is basically a formal meeting to present "my case" of why a PET scan is necessary (as if it needs to be explained). Both were denied. I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that medical professionals, medical doctors, who have years of education and experience say that this scan is necessary for me, but my health insurance thinks otherwise. And that their say is the final one and the one we go with. It's a total mind fuck.
All the back and forth between doctors and insurance companies got to me quickly. I slowly started to feel myself unraveling. And I couldn't get a handle on it. It was this unresolved thing, and it looks like it will remain unresolved for now, that left this very unsettling feeling in my stomach. It triggered so many things in my head that just had me going in circles. I'm not having a necessary and important scan because my insurance won't cover it. My insurance won't cover it because my insurance changed and isn't as good. My insurance changed because I quit my job and have since lost that insurance. I quit my job because I was a wreck and needed some time to heal. I was a wreck and needed time to heal because I had cancer. That was on repeat in my head and I couldn't stop it. I literally felt myself shutting down.
I was being open and honest about it with family and close friends, letting them know I was struggling and that this PET scan thing was really getting to me. But I just couldn't snap out of it. It's weird how one thing can lead to a trickle down effect on so many other parts of your life...and without you even noticing it! I was suddenly less sure of myself and my path, I was more sensitive to the words and actions of others, and I was definitely more snappy and on edge. My ability to deal was non existent. It hit me one night after I snapped at my mom over something so stupid I honestly can't remember what it was. But I bitched her out and stormed upstairs to my room and immediately thought, "Woah." That had absolutely nothing to do with why I was so angry, but I took it all out on her.
This had been going on for several weeks and it kept building. Good time to turn 30...NOT. That was just the sprinkles on top of yet another shit sundae. At least that's how I was seeing it at the time. My birthday was about a week away, a bunch of my good friends were leaving to go on some epic vacation to the British Virgin Islands, one that I was supposed to be on, but had to back out because I still didn't have a consistent full time job. Which just triggered that loop in my head all over again. I don't have a job because I decided to quit. I decided to quit because I was a mess. I was a mess because I had cancer. We can so easily put our sad stories on repeat and let them define us. That's what I was doing. My good friend, Christine wanted to take me to lunch since she was leaving on the trip and would be gone for my birthday. I let her know, I'm kind of in a funk and have been super emotional and kinda crazy lately, just as a warning. She reassured me that we were going to have fun and to snap out of it! We went to a spot we go to often and her and the waitress kept bringing us farther and farther to the back of the restaurant, which I thought was weird. We turned a corner and "SURPRISE!!!!" a bunch of family and friends were there to surprise me for my birthday. She was right, I had fun and I snapped out of it.
That day, surrounded by family and friends, many of which who drove a long way to be there, I snapped out of my rut. I just needed a reminder. That reminder was a bunch of people that I love showing up for me because they wanted to be there and yelling at me while I stood there confused. They were there the whole time, they always are, that's why I'm so lucky to have such amazing family and friends. I just needed to remember that. Nothing changed that day. I still haven't had my PET scan, I still don't have a job come September, and cancer is still a word that can unravel me. The only thing that changed that day was my perspective. Sometimes, that's all it takes.
Never forget...Be thankful. Everyday.