5 Years

In the last 5 years I've gotten cancer, endured a hellish surgery that removed a quarter of my mouth, 4 teeth, and the adjacent jaw bone, got a prosthetic mouth to fill that missing portion, found out I was cancer free, couldn't eat solid food for months, dropped to 94 pounds because of that, suffered from severe vertigo and migraines due to my surgery, went into a deep depression, quit my job, moved in with my parents, went to therapy, worked hard on getting myself better, started working again part time, got a full time job, continued to work hard on myself, moved out of my parents house, somewhere along the lines found myself again, got a promotion at work, bought a condo.

My point is this:

"Life is amazing. And then it is awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful." -L.R. Knost

So don't give up. Ever. Can it suck and challenge you in ways you didn't think was humanly possible...or fair? Yes. Hell yes. But it will get better. I promise. Keep going. Slowly but surely, little by little, inch by inch. Put in the work - give a shit, not because someone tells you to, do it for yourself. I've said this a million times because I believe in it so deeply: You never really know how strong you are until you have to be. Give yourself a little credit, you will surprise yourself.

And BE THANKFUL. EVERYDAY.

Life can flip your world upside down in the blink of an eye. So wake up in the morning and be thankful. Do it again the next day. That mindset is seriously life changing. Don't let a cancer diagnosis be the reason you realize that.

What If?

What if I never got cancer?

Someone recently asked me this and it got me thinking. I'm not a fan of "What if..." questions and thinking, but this one hit me hard.

That thought, that question makes me tear up. It's a wonderful thought and a terrifying thought.

I tear up thinking about all of the pain, struggle, depression, agony, and fear I endured for so long would have never existed. And I tear up at the thought that all the lessons, insight, and understanding I have learned on a deeper level would not exist.

To be rid of my prosthetic, to have my mouth back, to be rid of that fear of it returning, to never have endured any of it to begin with... that all sounds amazing. But what if I never learned the lessons? What if I stayed on the same path I was on? The clarity and appreciation for absolutely everything that cancer and its aftermath has brought me, I would never want to lose that.

I often think of the image of an earthquake being tracked on a Richter scale. All of those up and down squiggly lines are the ups and downs of life, and then the earthquake hits and the line shoots up and is set on a whole new trajectory. My cancer diagnosis was my own personal earthquake that set my life on a new trajectory, never to return to the path it was on before. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I can honestly say, if I was given a magic wand (because I'm still waiting on my acceptance letter from Hogwarts) and had the opportunity to undo the cancer nightmare I was given, I wouldn't. At the same time, I hope I never have to endure it again. Ever. There were some dark days on this journey. Dark, miserable, painful, terrifying days. But too much light has come out of that darkness. And that is what I choose to lean on.

Be thankful. Everyday. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Just a thought....

I had a moment the other day. I was leaving work after a long week. I was exhausted, my energy was pretty low, and I was dragging. It was late and already dark out when walking to my car. All I could think was how tired and exhausted I was. And then suddenly, to my own surprise, a great big smile came across my face. How great is this, I thought, I have a job that I work hard at. I've busted my ass all week and yes, I'm tired, but I feel good about it. I have responsibilities and expectations that I look forward to make happen each day. How great is that?!

A memory of me sitting in my room at my parents house unemployed with an empty bank account filling out application after application while recovering from my cancer nightmare and its aftermath flashed before my eyes. And now here I am, exhausted from a hard days work.

Life is sweet (or bittersweet). I'm grateful for the perspective I now have and that I can share this little story with a smile on my face, but you better believe how unbelievably aware I am that that perspective came with a cancer diagnosis. But I'm still grateful.

That whole train of thought really did catch me off guard. A great big smile after a long week of work. It's all about perspective, people.

Be thankful. Everyday. --- because when you stop and look around, this life is pretty amazing!

Still Exhaling

Most don't know this (although I'm pretty sure the word has spread by now) that I had a scary month and a half due to some bad scan results. Mid March was annual scan time for me. There I was, approaching my 4th year since surgery and remission and I got a little ahead of myself and sent out a "4 Years" post about making it 4 years and being healthy and happy. HA! My results hadn't even come in yet!

Ay yi yi Amy, you know better! Never get ahead of yourself, that's when life likes to come in and pull the rug out from under you and remind you who is in charge!

Results were in and I got the call to come in to the office for the results - never good. But I have had that in the past. It's usually my lymph nodes that light up on the scan, which sends us in to a bit of a frenzy, but is later deemed to be due to my ongoing sinus infection from surgery, and all ends up being ok. So I was doing really well this time around and not letting my mind spin too far out of control. Plus, I had recently been sick, so I knew those nodes were coming back bad! This time was different though. It wasn't my lymph nodes at all, in fact, the initial reading went well. No signs of tumor recurrence and no mention of my lymph nodes, but then there was the dreaded long pause. As if the doctor didn't really know how to say what came next. FUUUUUUUUUCK was all that was going through my head. A spot had lit up in my throat. My throat? That really threw me. This was new territory and it was not at all what I was expecting (as if it ever is). He said he didn't like what he was seeing, that it didn't look good, but that we would run more tests to correlate what these were showing. Fuck fuck fuck all the way home. And just like that, I was back at the beginning.

You have to understand, confirmed or not, being someone in remission and bad scan results being your greatest fear realized, back at the beginning is exactly where you go in your head. Straight to the starting line of another cancer nightmare. I'm tearing up just writing this. It's crushing, deflating, numbing, and fucking infuriating all at the same time (plus 10,000 other emotions). To be perfectly honest, the biggest thing I felt was betrayal. By who, I don't know... the universe maybe? This couldn't be happening again. After everything I had gone through, after learning some tough life lessons the hard way, really taking the shit situation and growing from it - and boy were there some growing pains! I mean, this could not be happening again, damnit!!

Then I broke the cardinal rule and started Googling the key words that kept popping up in my scan report - "hypermetabolic activity" being the main one. Never ever Google, people! But I did, and it confirmed what my gut instinct was telling me about what my doctor wasn't telling me. And then my mom Googled it and saw the same thing. And then my best friend Googled and she tried to play it off, but she too read the same thing. It was pretty cut and dry. Hypermetabloic activity usually means cancer when you're a former cancer patient. Taking a queue from The Hunger Games, the odds were not in my favor.

The waiting game commenced, along with keeping my head game in check. During these times, keeping your head in the right frame of mind is pretty much the entire battle, at least in my experience/opinion. It's an every second of the day battle. All your day is is waiting. Waiting for insurance approval. Waiting for your doctor's office to call. Waiting to schedule the scan. Waiting for the scan date to come. Waiting for results. Waiting, waiting, waiting. It is fucking torture, I promise. It's so hard to keep your mind in check, but it's the only thing you have control over.

A month and a half of positive scans. A month and a half of waiting in limbo. A month and a half of not being able to take a full breath because a giant gorilla named cancer was sitting on my chest. It all came down to this last appointment, one last test to confirm my greatest fear coming true. I called it judgement day. Mentally, I was going into it... I wouldn't say assuming the worst, but prepared for the worst. For self preservation,  you almost have to go there. I was a ball of nerves and felt like I was going to puke. My mom was already crying in the car on the way there. Judgement Day.

Without really being able to explain it themselves, doctors gave me the all clear. I was ecstatic and still felt like puking. One big Holy Shit moment where I actually got to exhale at the end of it. Other than getting the "these things happen" explanation from my doc, there wasn't much else to it. Maybe it was the monstrous infections I had in between all these scans that were either lingering or brewing? Who knows? I have learned that this cancer thing is one big educated guessing game, they thankfully guessed wrong this time. There was nothing to second guess with the final scan results and what they had to say because there was simply nothing there. No spots, no bad cells, no questionable areas...nothing. Add it to the list of "what the fuck" moments I've endured over the last 4 years, but I will gladly take it.

I'm still exhaling. And boy did I cry. I think I cried more that day than in the entire 4 years since this all began. I may have even cried more than my mom that day...maybe ;)

I am beyond relieved, beyond grateful, beyond happy and ecstatic. But to be totally honest, I am beyond exhausted too. I feel like I'm suffering from a hangover from the amazing news I got. I still feel wound a little tight and still sort of decompressing. That was terrifying, and yes it ended with good news, but it was still terrifying. Your mind and body go into survival mode for the sole reason of, it has to. Now here I am trying to turn that off and it's like my mind and body are hesitant to let their guard down. Is it safe, are you sure? They tell me it is. Can I trust it? They've gotten it wrong before. I've learned that it's in this space of healing where we have the opportunity to expand. It sucks and is beautiful all at the same time.

Not a day goes by without cancer crossing my mind. It's a life changer, that's for sure, and it's one that stays with you forever whether you like it or not - so it's best you like it. Or at least accept it. This was just one big reminder that I am beyond lucky, beyond blessed, and holy shit I am thankful.

Be thankful. Everyday. Life can flip your world upside down in the blink of an eye.

4 Years

Today marks four years since the discovery of my tumor, a day that I refer to as "Tumor Day" - you can read more about my recount of that day here.

Four years. Man oh man. I always say this, but it still feels like it was yesterday and a thousand years ago all at the same time. I still have all of the memories, every last detail leading up to that moment and everything that came after. I still can't believe it's real, but at the same time I have gotten used to it. I remember doctors talking about my 'new normal' or my dental oncologist telling me one day we'd be at a point where I'd only see him once a year. I remember thinking how crazy that all sounded. When will this ever be normal and how weird to think I'll only have to come in once a year rather than every few weeks like it was for so long. But here I am. I made it. I'm there. It's 'normal' to me now, I've adjusted and my life continued.

This year truly marks a new chapter for me in a big way. And it legitimately took me all four years to get here. Other than the prosthetic I'll have in my mouth most likely the rest of my life, the last remaining remnants of the cancer years have finally passed. Four years after my diagnosis and over two years since my full blown mental breakdown, I am finally fully back on my feet (and kind of kicking ass). I am working full time and have a solid job (and it's one that I genuinely enjoy), I am fully supporting myself and living on my own again...finally. And most important, I am healthy and happy both mentally and physically. I think I can honestly say I've processed, adjusted, and essentially moved on with my life. Doesn't mean I don't think about it daily, or that things related to it no longer get to me because that definitely all still happens - that's just being human. Four effing years!!! It was a mother fucker of a process to get to this point! I do not miss any of it, but am oddly still grateful for all of it.

It's truly a humbling experience when the universe pulls the rug out from under you and you realize just how little control you actually have in this life. This quote by Marianne Williamson always struck a chord with me "...something very beautiful happens to people when their world has fallen apart: a humility, a nobility, a higher intelligence emerges at just the point when our knees hit the floor." I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but I can tell you that statement is true. Never again will the simple act of waking up to a normal, boring day as a healthy individual be taken for granted, nor go unappreciated.

Be thankful. Every single day. Life can flip your world upside down in an instant.

Let Down

Well, shit. If you read my last post, you'll know how excited and hopeful I was about the idea of reconstruction surgery and one day being rid of my prosthetic mouth piece. I had that appointment a few weeks ago and it went nothing like I had hoped or anticipated. I walked out of that doctors office totally deflated and on the verge of tears. It was like I had a bunch of big red balloons and the doctor came in with a pin and popped them all.

Bottom line, reconstruction is not an option for me and is not going to happen. I know the phrase "never say never" so I'll say this, I'm 99% sure it is never going to happen. It is way too risky, way too invasive, way too gnarly, and way too much of a bad idea to ever be considered. Technically, can it be done? Yes. But to say the risks far outweigh the benefits would be a huge understatement.

Going into this consultation with a world renown reconstruction surgeon, I had a general idea of what the surgery would consist of. That it was going to be a monster of a surgery and process. Something that may take a few years to be fully rid of a prosthetic and would require multiple surgeries. I knew all of that. But I still thought the choice would be mine. I thought I was going to walk out of the appointment with all kinds of crazy new information that would be terrifying, but just as exciting, and I would have this massive decision to mull over. Nope. No decision. No choice. Just plain ol' not going to happen with a little bit of 'are you freakin' crazy?' sprinkled on top.

This doctor went into great detail, more so than anyone has for me before of what this surgery would really entail. I'm pretty sure my eyes bugged out of my head a few times while he was talking. The doctor told me that 99% of the people who are in the same situation as me stay in their prosthetics forever...and there is a reason for that. I wanted to ask, out of those 99% how many of them are in their early thirties, but as he went on, I realized that point was irrelevant. Here's a quick breakdown of what this reconstruction would really entail: First off, it's a 10 hour surgery (for those that don't know, that is a big deal). It would require 8-10 days in the hospital. Using a bone graft from my leg to rebuild the roof of my mouth and jaw, they would also have to open up my neck (from behind my ear down to about my collarbone) to attach all the muscles and blood vessels to the new bone graft so that everything is generating properly. There is a high probability of needing a tracheotomy due to the swelling of the area closing off my air waves. And finally, going six plus months without any teeth in the missing area that my prosthetic is now providing. And that is just phase 1 of 3 of this process. That's not even the multiple surgeries for implants of teeth and gums. At one point, I legitimately started laughing. This is a MAJOR surgery with what the doctor explained to have "significant risks"...and it would be elective. Not a good idea.

He wasn't just saying this matter of factly, there was an implied tone of 'don't do this, you shouldn't do this, you'd be crazy to do this and I'm certainly not going to be your surgeon.' He wasn't a dick about it, far from it. He was very sincere, very thorough, and very upfront. He was never dismissive or rushing me out of his office, but I did get the feeling the guy was thinking, what the hell are you doing here, do you even know what you're talking about?! Again, technically it can be done, the technology exists, but it would just be freakin crazy to do. The doctor actually said that this is a perfect example of 'if it aint broke, don't fix it.' He said this isn't one of those cases where, sure, I'm doing fine with my prosthetic, but let's see if we can make it better. But rather, I'm doing fine and absolutely don't touch it, don't mess with it, leave it alone.

My mom asked about medical advancements down the line and potential options I may have in the future that wouldn't be so invasive, his response wasn't all that hopeful and included the word "decades" in it. The way this doctor went into detail and really broke it down for me, I have a better understanding of everything that needs to be done to rebuild my mouth. Honestly, at least in my lifetime, I can't see that ever happening without them having to cut my face open. And I don't want that, it's not worth it. I always just assumed, well they took out half of my mouth without having to cut my face open, so they can build it all back without doing that too. Not the case.

The whole thing was just a complete let down. My mom and I walked out of his office kind of speechless, we just kept saying over and over again, "Wow." I keep thinking of that image I had in my head of me and all of those red balloons. Pop. Pop. Pop. As I've said before, the 'forever' part of this was one of the hardest things to deal with and it was just comforting knowing the option was there. Even if I never went through with it, it would be my choice. My choice whether or not I was in this prosthetic the rest of my life. But there is no choice, there is no option, and I just have to let this idea go.

As we were driving home, my music was playing on random shuffle from my iPhone, and Jack Johnson's "All At Once" happened to come on. It was quite fitting for my day and this entire journey in general, the opening lines hit me like a truck...

All at once
The world can overwhelm me
There's almost nothing that you can tell me
That can ease my mind
Which way will you run
When it's always all around you.
And the feeling lost and found you again
The feeling that we have no control

In a way I guess it's a good thing that I found all of this out now, instead of carrying the idea of hope with me for a few more years. No longer will I have the stress of should I do it, will I do it, when should I do it, etc., which has been in the back of my mind for years. Now I know, and I can begin to let this idea go. Time to close this chapter.

*** It's been a few weeks since I originally wrote this and several things have since happened. None of which have any sort of effect on me having reconstruction surgery or not, but has changed my mindset on how I reflect on what happened at the appointment that day. A family friend recently passed away way too young and was dealt obstacles no one in their lifetime should have to go through. It was sad. But he is a true reminder of what it means to be thankful everyday because despite the hardships he faced every single day of his life due to a disease, he was always smiling and he truly lived. His story is humbling, inspiring, and his life was truly a gift to all that knew him. I didn't want this to be some sort of sad pity post. Yes, the information I got that day was a complete let down, but it doesn't change the countless blessings I have in my life and it is not a rain cloud that I need to let hang around. I am grateful for where I'm at, and looking forward to where I'm going. Regardless of whether or not I can remove my mouth. ***

At the end of the day, this is just another reason to Be thankful. Everyday.

Reconstruction?

To reconstruct my mouth, or not to reconstruct, that is the question. I was thrilled to learn that the option was even there. When this tumor, cancer, surgery journey started almost 4 years ago, I was under the impression I would be wearing a prosthetic mouth piece for the rest of my life. Turns out, there are options. Insanely gnarly options, but options nonetheless. It's such a relief mentally to know the option is there though. The "forever" part was one of the hardest things for me to accept with this whole thing, so it's a comfort and relief knowing that isn't the case.

At a recent check up with my dental oncologist (the doc who handles my prosthetic), we started discussing my options and whether or not I really was going to be a "lifer" at his office. I remember my first consultation with this doctor, all of the scans had already been done, the surgery was in place, and he was the guy who would be creating my new prosthetic mouth and everything that went along with it. I'll never forget him saying to me, after going over the mountain of records we sent him, "Unfortunately Amy, it looks like you and I are going to be life long friends." It was comforting and crushing all at the same time.

Turns out, that doesn't have to be the case. We had a lengthy and informative discussion about reconstruction, what it consists of, the different options I have, why I would be a good candidate, and doctors who would be my best option to perform the surgery. It was nice hearing from this doctor, someone who is in the dental prosthetic industry (yes, that does exist), that he would like to see me out of mine one day.

The option that makes the most sense to me, although it is by far the most aggressive, would be to fully rebuild my mouth using bone grafts, then getting dental implants later. There are other options, but all of them require a surgery that still leaves me with a prosthetic in my mouth. None of those options make sense to me, if I'm going to do it, I want this thing out of my mouth, otherwise what's the point, I'm fine where I am.

The full blown reconstruction surgery is pretty effing gnarly though. As I have explained in a previous post, most of my maxilla bone (essentially the roof of my mouth) along with the teeth and adjacent jaw bone, have been removed. So that is what needs to be reconstructed. Basically, they would take part of my fibula in my leg, along with its muscle and use that to fill in the missing bone portion of my mouth. They would attach the bone graft and rewire the muscle so it would be "live" as the doctor put it, so things would be generating and working properly. Skin grafts may also be required and I would have a sizable and visible scar on my leg.

That is phase 1 of the surgery. While that is healing, I would be given a different prosthetic, so I would actually have teeth during this time. This takes about 6 months to heal before we start the process of dental implants. My doctor said that if I were to have reconstruction surgery tomorrow, it would still be about 1-2 years of wearing some type of prosthetic for one reason or another. So that just shows how lengthy and gnarly this process would be. This surgery is not to be taken lightly. It is a doozie and a million factors go into this being successful. We are not simply closing up a hole in my mouth, but also trying to restore all of the normal functions that it should preform.

To be perfectly honest, it scares the shit out of me. Terrifying. But also, so exciting. To be rid of the prosthetic would be so great. Sure, I look fine, you can't tell that I have this gaping hole in my head and am wearing a device that allows me to breathe, swallow, eat, drink, and speak. If anything, it looks like I'm wearing some kind of retainer. But there are a million moments a day that I notice and deal with it, you just can't tell. I'm used to my prosthetic now though, as much as one can get used to something like that. That being said, I'd love to never have to wear the damn thing again.

Here's the other kicker, I think about this often... this is an elective surgery. It's my choice and mine alone. With the surgery to remove the malignant tumor, which was so unbelievably awful I can't even put into words, I had no choice in that...it had to be done. This time, it's my call. When exactly is the best time or right time to put my life on hold for a year or so to have this done? Am I getting greedy here? I mean, the cancer is gone, I can talk, eat, drink... I really don't technically have any limitations with my prosthetic in the grand scheme of things. Do I just leave it alone and continue to deal with it? I asked my doctor these exact questions and his response was, "Well you're wearing glasses and have for most of your life, but if there was a surgery out there that would fix your eye problem and rid you of glasses, would you do it?" Of course.

At the very least, its in my best interest to schedule some consultations and see what these doctors have to say. I may be a great candidate for this surgery, but at the end of the day, I don't have to do anything. As of right now, and my opinion on this changes often, but as of right now, my stance is I want to do it, it's just going to come down to whether or not I have the cojones to go through with it.

One thing is for sure, this particular doctors office can be pretty heavy. Dental oncology and prosthetic dentistry. The things you hear and the people you see... no tongues, zero taste buds left... talk about a reality check. Being there rattles me to my core every time, but I walk out of there skipping thinking, fuck I am so lucky!!

Be thankful. Everyday. Don't ever forget it.

31 Things

I love these lists. Yes they are a little overdone and cliché, but whatever, I love them and decided to write one. I recently turned 31 and thought it was fitting to make my list consist of 31 things I've learned about life thus far. This is way harder than you think, to come up with your own authentic list with your own points. I do enjoy that there are some common themes on lists like these. They are usually the most obvious and also the most overlooked. I always talk about how much I've learned from my cancer diagnosis and its aftermath, how its taught me so much about myself and about life and that I am actually grateful for everything that's happened. It's like I got schooled in the lessons of the universe. Here are some of the things I've learned thus far....

31. Take risks. Go against the grain. Don't let the fear of failure or the fear of what other people will think, say, etc. deter you. I quit my job without anything else lined up because I knew deep down it was the best thing for me. At the time, I was in the middle of medical ordeal/breakdown and my body, mind, and spirit needed some time to heal. I had to put myself at the top of my list. Nobody at the time agreed, everyone thought I was crazy.

30. Be honest. Lets keep it real people. I don't mean in the simple form of don't lie (don't do that either), but more of say what you're feeling. Say what you think. Learn to say no. Speak up. Let it out.  Be upfront. Don't be an ass about it, but keep it real.

29. Be yourself. Be weird. Get weird. Be all you and be all in.

28. Stop whining. This life is pretty damn amazing if you stop and look around and it's usually not as bad as it seems. You're allowed to vent it out and maybe throw yourself a little pity party, but don't be a whiner. Stop with the why me.

27. Meditate. So many benefits to this. So powerful. Make this part of your daily routine. Start small, try a few minutes a day. There are some great guided meditations to start with. There is no right way to do it, just put in the time and do it. The benefits are endless.

26. Treat yo self! Spend more time and (in some cases) money on you! It's ok to indulge and it's ok to splurge sometimes.

25. Trust your gut! You know what I'm talking about. It's always there, try to listen to it more.

24. Put down your phone!! Look up. Look where you're going. Look at the beautiful surroundings. Look people in the eye. I am just as guilty as you are, but that is why I listed it and I am trying to be more mindful. One of the greatest things we can give someone is our time and attention.

23.  Health is extremely underrated. Invest in your health. Take care of your body. Take it from someone who has dealt with some serious health issues, the first wealth is health. Notice and appreciate it and do your part to maintain it.

22. ___________. Good for the body, good for the mind, good for the soul. Mine is surfing. What's yours? Whatever it is, do more of it. We all have one. It can be getting outside for a walk or run, dancing, cooking, whatever activity gives you that restorative, refreshed feeling. Do more of it.

21. If you focus on what you have, you will always have more. If you focus on what you don't have, you will never have enough. Be happy with what you have, I promise you it is enough. Money, power, things, status, etc. does not equal happiness. I don't know why, but it seems people have a hard time truly understanding this one. Or they'll agree with that statement, but still live life to the contrary.  At the end of the day when this ride comes to an end, none of that will matter. Again I say, be happy with what you have, I promise you it is enough. And so are you.

20. Be accountable for the role you play, the decisions you make, and the outcomes they have. Stop with the blame game and don't make excuses. Give a shit. About your own life. For you.

19. Stop caring about what other people think. Because it doesn't fucking matter.

18. Stay present in the now. Don't get wrapped up in all the exterior noise and nonsense that life has to offer. Nothing is guaranteed. All we have is this moment, right now.

17. Attitude is everything. This is so damn true. You'd be surprised how different things would be with a little change in perspective.

16. Get outside. Travel. Explore. Nature nature nature. Whether it's your own neighborhood or a grand adventure in another country, get outside! Walk. Move. Explore. "If I'm an advocate for anything it's to move. As far as you can, as much as you can. Across the ocean or simply across the river. The extent to which you can walk in someone else's shoes, it's a plus for everybody. Open your mind. Get up off the couch. Move." -Anthony Bourdain.

15. Tell people you love them. Make sure your loved ones know this. Not in the quick, "Love you, bye" at the end of a phone conversation (do that too), but make sure they really know what they mean to you.

14. Give back. Volunteer. Give yourself to something. Giving is always better than receiving. This is one I am trying to do more of myself.

13. Be kind to yourself. Negative self talk is toxic and we are our own worst enemy. You are doing the best you can.

12. Don't underestimate the power of sleep. It is necessary and needed. Our most optimal levels are when we are well rested. This one is straight science, not just my personal opinion.

11. Drink lots and lots of water. Always. Your body will love you for it. Several years ago my cardiologist told me how important it is to drink a big glass of water in the morning after waking up. It helps rehydrate everything...your body and even more so, your brain! I've never forgotten what he said and I slam a bottle of water almost every morning.

10. Trust the process. The struggle is usually part of the process so don't fight it. The struggle is proof that you are there, showing up and are working to make it/you better. (This leads directly into....)

9. Trust the timing of your life. This can be incredibly difficult, but I believe it to be true. The universe has our back, it's just sometimes hard to see it that way.

8. Learn to reframe the word failure. This one is huge!!! Make mistakes. Learn from them. Grow from them. Be humbled by them. You don't suck, you're not dumb, you are capable. There is a lesson in there somewhere, find it! Failing at something can be one of life's greatest launching pads if you let it.

7. Forgiveness. This one is so huge. It usually goes hand in hand with letting go of anger. Both of which are absolutely toxic to your own well being. I came across this quote online years ago and I have never forgotten it, "...I felt that I had the right to be angry because of all the things they did to me. It took me a long time to learn that holding on to bitterness and resentment did me more harm than the original incident. When I refused to forgive, I was the person who was hurting... I learned that forgiveness did not mean that I condoned another person's negative behavior. Releasing my resentment let me out of prison... I forgive, I let go, and I fly free."

6. Never stop learning. We are always a work in progress and that is totally okay, in fact, that is the beauty of it. There is always more to learn. Never stop challenging yourself. Never stop growing. Never stop exploring.

5. Be open to change. Life will not go as planned, so it's best you get comfortable with that now. On the flip side, if you want things in your life to change, then you are going to have to change. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

4. You never really know how strong you are until you have to be. It's true, give yourself a little more credit, you will surprise yourself.

3. Family, friends, relationships... Care for them, cherish them, make time for them, foster them. It's a two way street. When it comes down to it, those relationships are EVERYTHING.

2. It doesn't get any easier. Relationships, friendships, work, self care, time management...life. It doesn't get any easier as we get older. But everyday you have a choice. The power is in your hands. What you make time for, what you give power to, what you're willing to let go of. "The power is always in your response, never in your circumstance." -Mastin Kipp

1. Be thankful. Everyday. Wake up in the morning and be thankful. Do it again the next day. That mindset is seriously life changing.

It Wasn't Meant to Be

As many of you know, I have been training the past 3 months for an epic Grand Canyon hike with the amazing Project Athena Foundation. We were going to be hiking the Grand Canyon rim to rim to rim, 40+ miles, all in 2 days. Sadly, I was not able to make the trek with them. After a long 8 hour training hike a few weeks ago, my foot was killing me. I was hoping it was just sore and tried to stay off of it as much as possible; I gave it a week hoping it would turn around. I think in the back of my mind I knew something was wrong, but I knew what acknowledging that would mean...me not going. My foot was incredibly swollen and as the week went on, I knew it wasn't soreness I was feeling, it was pain. Sharp, bad, always there, pain. Turns out I tore my plantar fascia along with the hallucis longus tendon (which sounds like something out of a Harry Potter book). So, no Grand Canyon for me.

I'm not going to lie, I was pretty devastated when I got back from the hospital that day on crutches. Months of training capped off with this injury 5 days before I left just killed me! I moped and sulked most of the day, but found myself to be in an okay mood by the evening time. I don't know what else to say other than I just sort of got over it. To put it bluntly, I've had cancer...not much fazes me anymore. Doctors have literally sawed out a quarter of my mouth, so in the grand scheme of things, this really isn't a big deal. Don't get me wrong, it sucks and I am pissed! But it's nothing to let ruin my day. My life is pretty damn good and the Grand Canyon isn't going anywhere. If you know me at all, you know how incredibly competitive I am, this just makes it personal now and I am fired up! I WANT that Canyon and I WILL complete it in its entirety! It just wasn't my time last weekend.

Ahhh life, always giving us opportunities to learn and grow...isn't it grand? --not always easy to see it that way, that's for sure, but I do believe that statement to be true.

It's easy to be feeling good and appreciating life when things are going right. The real test is when things go wrong and life throws you that inevitable curve ball...how do you respond then? Over the last few years I've painfully learned to roll with the punches. I have been forced to learn some life lessons, all of which I am incredibly grateful for. I have learned to trust the timing of my life.

I love this quote by Gilda Radner and it seems quite fitting for this post and for just life in general...

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

Always remember...Be thankful. Everyday

I Am an Athena

Athena, Goddess of war and wisdom. I think those two words go pretty well together, for me anyway. I've been through a "war" and I have most certainly gained some wisdom because of it.

I am an Athena. I have been given a grant by the Project Athena Foundation to go on an epic adventure. I will be hiking the Grand Canyon rim to rim to rim, all in 2 days, at the end of June! That's 40+ miles, in 2 days, walking...ahhhh!! (You can stop laughing now:)

The Project Athena Foundation is a nonprofit organization that gives women who have faced traumatic injury or illness the opportunity to live out their adventurous dreams, all as part of the healing process. It was founded by Robyn Benincasa, a local San Diegan and all around badass. Seriously. The foundation all stems from her belief that "it isn't about the setbacks, it's about the comebacks!" God, I love that! So freakin' inspiring.

I read about Project Athena in a local newspaper article while I was getting a pedicure. My mom had saved it for me, saying she thought I would love the story and handed it to me as I was walking out the door. Robyn, the founder, had been nominated by CNN as one of their 2014 CNN Heroes, and being a local, the paper did an article about her. I was instantly moved by the article. I felt like I was literally being called to be a part of this. I couldn't get home fast enough to send an email and reach out. I just wanted to be a part of it, I didn't care in what way, I needed to be involved with this. Even if it meant going door to door handing out stickers for them, I was in! After hearing my story, they didn't ask me to pass out stickers (although, I still happily would), but offered me a grant to go one of their adventures.

It was instantly all systems go and I was signed up for the Florida Keys adventure where we would kayak and bike our way through The Keys. I had done pretty much all the training and was probably only a few weeks out when something out of the blue happened. Starting immediately, I had a job offer! So HUGE for me since at the time I was unemployed and had been for some time following my whole cancer, surgery, breakdown ordeal. Suddenly out of nowhere, work became priority number 1. This was a huge opportunity for me and I had to fully commit and put everything into it. It killed me to do, but I had to back out of the Florida Keys adventure. Luckily, the Project Athena crew being as amazing as they are were incredibly understanding and supportive and still offered me a grant for an adventure of my choosing the following year. So here I am, all systems go for the Grand Canyon, and I am happily still in that same full time job!

I chose the Grand Canyon mainly because I've always wanted to see it, so even cooler, why not hike it?! It was one of those things that sounded awesome in theory. Get to go to the Grand Canyon and hike it, how rad?! Then I got the training document......."well, shit." That was my first reaction. I definitely felt a little overwhelmed after reading the required training that was expected of me. I am halfway through the training and I still go through waves of "What did I get myself into" to "I got this!" This hike is no joke. It's like 2 twelve hour days, back to back. When I think of it like that, I get freaked out. During my training I've taken on the whole 'just get to the next telephone pole' attitude, then without realizing it, I've gone like 10 miles. I'm hoping that 'small chunks' approach gets me through it. Yes, I'm aware, there are no telephone poles in the Grand Canyon so that's potentially problematic for my mindset, but you get the jest. I know I can and I will get through it. It's one of those things you just kind of have to let marinate for a while. That's how I operate when the gravity of something is pretty big. I just let it sit there, think about it, feel about it, what's my gut saying, start putting in the work and then you just start to realize, ok, I can do this. I've learned through my cancer journey that you never know how strong you really are until you have to be, and more often than not, you will surprise yourself.

I will be in good hands along the way with seasoned endurance athletes who literally do these things for fun. I am putting in the work to get myself prepared, I have all of the proper equipment, I'm excited and I want this! So don't worry mom, I know you're freaking out all over again while reading this, but I will be ok! I cannot wait to see what this incredible experience has in store for me!

Just another reason to always remember...Be thankful. Everyday.

Three Years Thriving

Three Years. I can't believe its been three years. It seems like a million years ago and just yesterday all at the same time. I was just talking about it with my mom recently how it all still feels like a bad dream, some out of body experience where you actually think to yourself, did that really actually happen?

Reflecting on the past three years just makes me have a huge exhaling breath with a giant smile on my face. There's something about hitting another year with this for me. On these days I feel so powerful, so capable, this 'I made it, I can do anything' type feeling. It has most definitely been a long and winding road, but it has led to some amazing views that have been so rewarding. I have grown so much as a person, in fact, I think I've completely changed....aside from my sarcasm, I'm a totally different person. One for the better. This whole experience has forced me to explore things about myself and about life in a way that most people never do. I've made peace with a lot of things. I've expanded my comfort zone. I've learned invaluable lessons in acceptance, forgiveness, and gratitude. Really taking joy in the simplest of things...to the point where some might find it annoying. It's wonderful. I'm really in a good place. You have no idea how great it feels to say that and actually mean it!!!

Most people probably don't know this, but the title of this blog was originally called "Thrive On...". I love that word, thrive. Thrive: verb; to grow or develop well or vigorously. To prosper, flourish.

Once I gave in to it all and started to accept everything that had happened, I began healing, I began writing, I began thriving. Yes, I was broken, but I was broken wide open and was able to let all kinds of new goodness in. I've read on different blogs and in different books that you are never broken, you are perfectly fine the way you are in this moment, there is never anything broken about you. I guess I see the point they're making, but I assure you, I was fucking broken. Shattered. Empty. Broken...into a million pieces. BUT...that's ok. It didn't lessen me in any way, it was just a fact...broken. It was either embrace it or remain broken. Don't get me wrong, I fought it for a very long time, I literally went on a parade of "See, I'm fine" to family and friends for quite a while. What can I say, I'm incredibly stubborn, I'm Basque (look it up). But I eventually gave in and just let this thing take me. I've learned that breakdowns = breakthroughs (if you let them). Here I am, three years thriving.

"The truth is that our finest moments are likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." 
- M.Scott Peck

I think I started sharing my story, not only as a therapeutic outlet, but also as a way to gain back some control after the ultimate loss of control that cancer brought to my life. Cancer told its story, it sucked. Now I'm telling mine. Writing this blog has been a blessing. There's something incredibly liberating about writing it all out and hitting "Share." Like its not my issues or problems anymore because it's out there for the world to see (or my immediate family and friends who actually read this). It allows me to release it.

This experience has challenged me in ways I did not know was humanly possible. Thinking back to those early months, God it was so awful, the pain was indescribable. I still have photos of my mouth and what it looked like then, it's pretty unbelievable to look at, so gnarly! It's things like that that make me so thankful today. Never again will the simple act of waking up to a normal, boring day as a healthy individual be taken for granted, nor go unappreciated. This experience has taken me to hell and back. But I am back. And I've got to say...it feels pretty damn good!!

Be thankful. Everyday....don't ever forget that!

Staying Present

It's a weird thing to grasp, something that was so awful, yet I'm so thankful for the experience. I don't know if I'd say I've come to terms with it all yet, but I've definitely made progress. It's no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. What I've come to realize is that this damn prosthetic in my mouth keeps me present. It smacks back to the here and now and I think that's a good thing.

I'm very aware of the monotonous routine of daily activities. When I'm eating, when I'm taking a bite of food, drinking something, my posture while swallowing, saying certain words, and brushing my teeth. Those aren't things I just do without thinking, I'm very much aware because I have to be. I have this little device in my mouth that allows me to perform everyday activities such as talking, breathing, eating, and drinking. It also reminds me of when I couldn't eat solid food, when it was a struggle to talk, breathe, and swallow. It makes me appreciate so many little things and so many little moments so much more. It smacks me right back to the present moment and I am grateful for that.

It's no secret, life will not always go our way or according to the plan. But that's ok. Take a deep breath. What matters is how you respond, how you bounce back, how you deal. I've used this quote before by Mastin Kipp, "Your power is always in your response, never in your circumstance." I love that line. It's powerful, it puts the power in your hands.

I often wonder if certain things or thoughts will ever go away. Will scans always turn me into a ball of nerves? Will the fear of it returning ever go away? Will I really always have this thing in my mouth, forever? Maybe those things just change in regards to how I think of them, but the thought of it is still there? I'm approaching my 3 year anniversary of diagnosis and surgery. I usually hate this time of year. All sorts of reminders of things I never want to be reminded of. But it feels a little different this year. Or maybe its how I'm relating to it all is what's different. I don't have that loathsome feeling towards it, I don't have that same anxiety of it approaching, I definitely still have all the memories, I don't think that ever goes away. I don't know, but it just feels different this year. Is that growth? I wouldn't say I'm excited about the anniversary of it all, but I am excited in the sense that this time of year is approaching and I'm actually ok. This is new territory for me. I kinda like it.

Always remember...Be thankful. Everyday.

My One Little Word for the New Year

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer."  -Nora Neale Hurston.

Here's to a new year, new changes, new goals and a fresh start. In actuality, we can choose to have a fresh start any time we want. It's totally on us, the when and where makes no difference. But there is a collective buzz in the air of setting new goals and resolutions for the start of a new year.

Since I'm finally posting this, it's interesting that we are almost two weeks into the new year and you can already see people settling into old habits and that 'New Year, New Me" buzz is starting to fade. Nothing in 2015 is going to change unless you do. It's important to have little reminders or something to refer to through out the year to bring you back to that mindset. 

I don't necessarily have New Years resolutions in the traditional sense. I go more along the lines of how do I want to feel this year, what can help me get there? What do I want more of, what do I want less of, what can help me get there? How can I continue to grow as a person, what can help me do that? I think how you want to feel is just as important as what you want to do. It's important to pay attention to mind, body, and spirit.

There's something exciting with a new year and new possibilities. That 'clean slate', 'fresh start' type of magic. Although I have a lot of that for this new year, I think it's important not to get caught up in that either. The here and now is what really matters. It's a constant balance of appreciating and celebrating what we do have and the life we've created while working to further ourselves more.

It's no secret these last few years have been tough for me (years that have asked questions)... maybe with the exception of the last 9 months or so. This is probably the first time since the Big C that I'm genuinely excited for what a new year will bring. The last few years I was just so relieved they were over and I made it though another one, the new year was an after thought. I was just glad I made it through the last one. I've felt major growth this past year or so and I'm excited to start a new year looking forward to more of that.

This year, along with a couple family members, I'm participating in Ali Edwards One Little Word Project. You basically pick a word for the year, a word you want to invite into your life, something to focus on, reflect on, and invite in each day throughout the year. Each month there are little prompts and creative activities to help you really get in sync with your word. The word I chose, although it felt like it really chose me, is Explore. These past few years have been massive for me in self-discovery. Being sick, being broken, being lost, and eventually finding myself again. I've learned so much about myself and about life and I want more. I want to go deeper and explore more. Explore my comfort zone, my fears and weaknesses, my dreams and triumphs and everything in between...I just feel like I'm still searching.

I'm excited for the possibilities of this new year, whether it's one that asks questions or one that answers.

Always remember...Be thankful. Everyday.

My Cup Runneth Over

I love this time of year, Thanksgiving. Being thankful. It means a great deal to me because it is the backbone of how I try to live my life everyday. Other than cancer-versaries or the anniversary of my surgery, this time of year really makes me reflect and appreciate what I have like those days can. It makes me think about how lost I was, how far I've come, how grateful I am. Just being present and tuned in to the here and now...and being grateful for it.

At least for this one day, I think (or I hope) people really stop and take the time to be thankful, it's a noticeable lighter feeling. Until Black Friday comes and people are literally trampling over others to get their hands on a TV that’s 75% off!! But for now, for today, you can still feel the warm hug of being thankful, so let’s go with that…

Take some time today to really reflect on the things you are thankful for. Really stop and think about it. Get simple. What are you thankful for? I guarantee you it will fill you up and make you smile. 

All of the little things and the big things. They all matter. Notice them. Appreciate them. Do it again tomorrow. For me, a few would be my big, crazy family, my friendships, my parents, my health (and my health insurance), all of the love that I share, my niece and absolutely EVERYTHING about her. Sunsets, the ocean, living near the beach, sarcasm, inside jokes, family traditions, my job and the work that goes into it, laughing, surfing, sharing waves with my brother, a good cocktail with friends, In-N-Out (if you know me at all, you know I’m totally serious). I could go on and on...

How great is that? I have so much abundance and love in my life. I know this all sounds cheesy, but I'm totally serious. Always take stock. Look at the abundance in your life, how far you've come, how much you have to be thankful for. It will inspire you, motivate you, comfort you, and bring you joy. All that goodness radiates off you, you know? It can be contagious...just a fun fact :)

There's always going to be difficult times, trying times, unfair times, things you want, things you cant have, but there's also always going to be good times, things to smile about, and things to be thankful for. Don't ever forget that.

It is important not only to think about and recognize all the things that we are thankful, but also to live it. Notice and appreciate them, yes, but live with that abundance of gratitude in your heart always. JFK said it best, "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."

I am thankful for the honesty and clarity this experience has brought me. Never again will the simple act of waking up to a normal, boring day as a healthy individual be taken for granted, nor go unappreciated. The tough times, the setbacks, the struggle, and the moment you realize it was all worth it.


BE THANKFUL. EVERYDAY.

There's Always Something

In so many ways I'm in such a great place. Just mentally and emotionally, I'm standing tall and proud again, taking big, deep, fresh breaths of air, really inhaling what life has to offer. In essence, I feel whole again. I feel like myself again. Do you know how long it took to get that back? Years. But at the same time, I'm so not in a great place in a lot of areas too. Job, living situation, my bank account (I could go on...). Lacking in those areas can most definitely suck.

There's always something, right? Something that's lacking or missing, something you want or are striving for. It's kind of funny really, but there's ALWAYS something. I guess that's just human nature.

If you told me I'd be thirty, looking for a job, and living with my parents I would have never believed you. I'd been out of my parents house and living in San Diego for over 10 years at the time. But if you also told me that I'd have cancer at 27 and have a quarter of my mouth removed, I wouldn't have believed that either. Life happens. Shit happens. Or whatever you want to call it. I came across this quote recently by Mark Nepo (I loooooove Mark Nepo) "There are no wrong turns, only unexpected paths." I love that, what a great way to look at life! These last few years have most definitely been an unexpected path!! All you can do is roll with the punches and do the best you can with what you've got. And if you can close your eyes at the end of the day, knowing you've done the best you can with what you have, then you should sleep pretty soundly.

Although these last few years have been a very unexpected path, I feel like the forest has cleared. I made it out. I'm ready for the next chapter in my story "The Life and Times of Amy Uruburu" or what my friends hope I title it, "Seriously, WTF?!" We had the "Cancer" chapter, then there was the "After Cancer" chapter and all the shit that went along with it. I'm ready for the next chapter. You know, the 'Amy got a job, is moving out, and is back on her feet' chapter. That sounds lovely....I'm sure my parents would agree! But of course, the struggle is usually part of the process. Finding a job is hard enough these days, try finding a job while dodging and avoiding the fact that you quit your last job because of a medical issue, and god forbid they find out it was cancer......Next! I'm going to do a wee bit of whining here, but whatever, it's my blog and I can whine if I want to. It's so frustrating. What am I supposed to do in that situation? What do you fill in on the application question of 'reason for leaving?' What do you say in the interview when they ask about why you left this job or the gap in resume? Do you lie? Tell the truth? A little of both? Please tell me, I'm open to suggestions because I've tried it all. And if you think I'm overreacting and that really doesn't matter to an employer then you're giving people far too much credit! Ok, the whining portion is now over. Moving on. I just have to keep that good perspective, stay focused and working hard, and know this will pay off in the end. I have learned that the struggle is always worth it in the end, maybe not in the way you expected, but absolutely worth it.

I sometimes wonder if people are sick of hearing me talk about having cancer and preaching about my revelations that go along with it. Because I could seriously talk about this all day. I really could because it really actually profoundly changed my life in absolutely every way. If you have questions or want to see it, by all means, ask. But be prepared, I may go on and on about it. I can thankfully and proudly say that my cancer story isn't simply, I got cancer, it was unbelievably awful and I hated every second of it, the end. The story doesn't end with all of the horrible, it goes on to include all of the amazing. It's not about what I've lost, but more about what I've gained.

I think we are born to experience utter pain as well as utter happiness, all for the most intense understanding...self purpose. I don't think you ever get "there", the journey is ongoing. But I think that's the beauty of it.

Always remember...Be thankful. Everyday.

...aaaannnd breathe.

Waiting for scan results is the worst. The. Worst. I was very confident everything was going to come back clean. I'd say I was 99% sure everything would be fine, but man is it crazy how powerful that pesky 1% can be!!!! That teeny tiny shred of doubt can be terrifying, crippling even. Oh how our minds can wander. I didn't even realize how much that looming cloud of test results was actually suffocating me until it was gone and I could breathe again.

It took over a week to get the call that my results were in. A week is a long time to wait for that. And it's always the worst when you have the wait carry over into a weekend because that's 2 days you definitely know you won't be hearing any news and are therefore waiting longer. The longer you wait, the more you start to question everything!! Why is it taking so long? If everything was fine they should have had them by now. Maybe they had to send it out for a second opinion (again), so that means there's a problem?! You're constantly shuffling through those thoughts while waiting. And then the phone rings. It's the doctor. Oh shit. Here we go. The entire journey up until now flashes before my eyes, a thousand emotions in like 2 seconds. I'm holding my breath the whole time he's talking. And then finally....exhale. It's hard to fully explain the joy and jubilation of words like "zero evidence of recurrence" and "scan is completely normal"....being normal never felt so good!! Relieved is an understatement in that moment. I've had that moment 3 times in my life and its brought me to tears every time.

It's days like this, moments like this that remind me, God life is precious! I am lucky. And I am grateful. Appreciate every moment, every breath. Be present and appreciate what you have, right now. It can be gone in an instant. It's truly humbling to realize just how little control you actually have in this life. My body has healed and life went on, but never again will the simple act of waking up to a normal, boring day as a healthy individual be taken for granted, nor go unappreciated.

Be thankful. Everyday...... don't ever forget that.

Perspective

I've been in a rut lately. A lot of people attribute it to my birthday and turning 30, that's really not it though. I'll admit, that's on the list, but it's like #12, not #1. I've noticed many things while in the middle of this rut and trying to snap out of it. I've noticed that I don't write as much as I normally do. And I've noticed that learning the lessons doesn't mean shit if you can't actually apply them. It's a major thing to realize something, learn something...but it definitely doesn't end there.

I've written about all the lessons I've learned, changes in perspective, life changing aha moments...but the opportunities to apply those lessons never stops. You can know it and apply it 50 times in a row, but when that 51st time hits, you have to do it again. The fact that you've been on your game the previous 50 doesn't mean a damn thing. Life is always throwing crap at you to test your will power, patience, heart, attitude, nerves, and so on and so on. Whether it's driving behind the slowest driver on the face of the earth when you have somewhere to be, or it's your yearly check up at the oncologist office. Those are all opportunities for me to apply what I've been preaching about on here. Being thankful. Being present and in the moment. Forgiveness. Kindness to myself and others.

My rut started about a month ago. The nerves had been looming for a few weeks because of my upcoming annual PET scan. So that already is a BIG trigger for me. To keep it short, I still haven't had my PET scan, it's still hanging over my head as this unresolved thing, which in turn means, the nerves are still there. Since last year, I have had to change my health insurance, and apparently, my new health insurance won't cover my PET scan. My doctors have personally spoken with my insurance, explaining I am 2 years post cancer and getting yearly scans is important. They even requested a "Peer to Peer" which is basically a formal meeting to present "my case" of why a PET scan is necessary (as if it needs to be explained). Both were denied. I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that medical professionals, medical doctors, who have years of education and experience say that this scan is necessary for me, but my health insurance thinks otherwise. And that their say is the final one and the one we go with. It's a total mind fuck.

All the back and forth between doctors and insurance companies got to me quickly. I slowly started to feel myself unraveling. And I couldn't get a handle on it. It was this unresolved thing, and it looks like it will remain unresolved for now, that left this very unsettling feeling in my stomach. It triggered so many things in my head that just had me going in circles. I'm not having a necessary and important scan because my insurance won't cover it. My insurance won't cover it because my insurance changed and isn't as good. My insurance changed because I quit my job and have since lost that insurance. I quit my job because I was a wreck and needed some time to heal. I was a wreck and needed time to heal because I had cancer. That was on repeat in my head and I couldn't stop it. I literally felt myself shutting down.

I was being open and honest about it with family and close friends, letting them know I was struggling and that this PET scan thing was really getting to me. But I just couldn't snap out of it. It's weird how one thing can lead to a trickle down effect on so many other parts of your life...and without you even noticing it! I was suddenly less sure of myself and my path, I was more sensitive to the words and actions of others, and I was definitely more snappy and on edge. My ability to deal was non existent. It hit me one night after I snapped at my mom over something so stupid I honestly can't remember what it was. But I bitched her out and stormed upstairs to my room and immediately thought, "Woah." That had absolutely nothing to do with why I was so angry, but I took it all out on her.

This had been going on for several weeks and it kept building. Good time to turn 30...NOT. That was just the sprinkles on top of yet another shit sundae. At least that's how I was seeing it at the time. My birthday was about a week away, a bunch of my good friends were leaving to go on some epic vacation to the British Virgin Islands, one that I was supposed to be on, but had to back out because I still didn't have a consistent full time job. Which just triggered that loop in my head all over again. I don't have a job because I decided to quit. I decided to quit because I was a mess. I was a mess because I had cancer. We can so easily put our sad stories on repeat and let them define us. That's what I was doing. My good friend, Christine wanted to take me to lunch since she was leaving on the trip and would be gone for my birthday. I let her know, I'm kind of in a funk and have been super emotional and kinda crazy lately, just as a warning. She reassured me that we were going to have fun and to snap out of it! We went to a spot we go to often and her and the waitress kept bringing us farther and farther to the back of the restaurant, which I thought was weird. We turned a corner and "SURPRISE!!!!" a bunch of family and friends were there to surprise me for my birthday. She was right, I had fun and I snapped out of it.

That day, surrounded by family and friends, many of which who drove a long way to be there, I snapped out of my rut. I just needed a reminder. That reminder was a bunch of people that I love showing up for me because they wanted to be there and yelling at me while I stood there confused. They were there the whole time, they always are, that's why I'm so lucky to have such amazing family and friends. I just needed to remember that. Nothing changed that day. I still haven't had my PET scan, I still don't have a job come September, and cancer is still a word that can unravel me. The only thing that changed that day was my perspective. Sometimes, that's all it takes.

Never forget...Be thankful. Everyday.

Choices

My mom always says, God only gives you as much as you can handle. I'm not sure if I totally agree with that statement because there were definitely times throughout this journey where I was thinking, are you kidding me?!?! With that being said...I'm still here.

What I have found, not only with this, but with other jolts throughout my life, when the worst possible outcome happens, the scary truth comes out, or my greatest fear is realized, I have found that 10 seconds after, 5 minutes after, 2 days after...I'm still here. Life went on. The world didn't end as I so greatly feared it would.  It might not be pleasant, it might not be good, but it keeps going. There is a choice to make with that. To make it good and continue living. To keep going as life does.

"Your power is always in your response, never in your circumstance." I love that quote by Mastin Kipp, it is so true and so powerful.

Everyone is faced with that moment. That crossroads (we're actually faced with "it" many times). Are you going to face it and accept the challenge head on? Or are you going to turn your back on it? Run and hide from it? Running and hiding was my specialty. "It" being anything negative, bad, scary, etc. that I didn't want to deal with or face. I was a master at stuffing things away, putting it on the back burner until enough time would eventually pass and I had convinced myself and others it was no longer an issue. This was different though, you can't run and hide from cancer and its aftermath. I have an every second of the day reminder of it in my mouth. Every time I swallow, bite, chew, smile, I am reminded of it. I had to face this, which in turn meant I had to face myself. I'll say it again, your power is always in your response, never in your circumstance.

Everyday it's a choice, not just with this, but with anything. The good, the bad, and the ugly...what are you going to do with it? You have that power. Life's lemons usually hold with it a major opportunity to learn, grow, or change. We just usually don't see it that way. Joseph Campbell was right, we're all on a heroes journey, we just don't know it. Some answer the call, some don't. I can proudly say that I have. This experience has forced me to face things that I've buried my entire life...and I love it!! I want more. I crave the stories, experiences, and lessons others have learned. It's lead me down a more open hearted and open minded path full of meditation, juicing, authors, books, and ideas all of which I would have shunned away from prior to all this.

One of the very first books I read once I began to deal with this had an opening line that instantly grabbed me, I remember thinking "Woah." It's still one of my favorite books by one of my favorite authors with one of my favorite quotes, "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser:

"How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be."

Always remember...Be thankful. Everyday.
 

The Fear

I've gone through a lot of changes as a person throughout this journey...physically, mentally, spiritually. My entire perspective on life and what matters has changed, and I think for the better. Other than some of the physical crap...I mean changes, I've had to go through, I think almost all of it has been for the better. It's been positive changes of growth for the most part.

One of the changes I'm not a fan of is how my mind has changed in relation to the fear. At the time I discovered my tumor, I can honestly say the word "tumor" and certainly the word "cancer" never crossed my mind. I'd never had a tumor before, why would I think this ginormous lump in my mouth is a tumor, and even crazier...cancer?! Those thoughts really never entered my mind. But now, I feel any sort of weird bump, or I'm more tired than usual for long periods of time and I am instantly convinced its back. The cancer did that, that fear. I hate it. I was never like that. A 'think the worst' type of person, even when it was blatantly clear and a tumor was literally staring me in the face, I didn't think it.

Hearing that you have cancer is a cancer in itself; it gets into your mind and infects it just as cancer does. Hearing those words forever changes the make up of your mind and thoughts. It is forever altered, the fear is always there, just like a cancer, eating away at you. Extracting that is a whole other type of cancer battle.

There have been a few times where I frantically called my doctor and was convinced I had another tumor and the cancer was back. There was a lump towards the back of my neck that I found while I was stretching and rubbing my neck one day. It was a legitimate lump, you could feel the outline and its random placement. It was instant panic. Instant sweat. Instant pit in my stomach. This blanket of fear just took over me, its back. Doctors visits ensued and scans were ordered, turns out its a skeletal mass that I just randomly have. Nothing to be worried about. Also, pretty much anytime I have a PET scan, it doesn't come back clean. I go through this whole roller coaster ride of these few lymph nodes lighting up in my neck, which of course sends me spiraling, but after further review it's just due to the ongoing sinus infection I have from my surgery, and is in fact not cancer. You have to understand how quickly you revert back to that terrifying place. If there's an ounce of you that believes that it's back, you're transported to that place in your head instantly and you're fighting you're way back out all over again.

It's about that time of year again for my yearly scan and those nerves are starting to kick in. I know it's totally normal to be nervous and freaking out, but I still hate it. It's a constant battle in my head to not let my mind wander too far. Of course all the 'what if's' start playing, along with the long list of already bad memories, moments, places that are already associated with this. It just stirs up a lot of emotions and memories, none of which I ever wish to visit again. I don't know if the nerves around scan time ever go away?? The therapist I was seeing specialized in traumatic injury or illness and was a cancer survivor herself for almost 25 years. When I asked her if that fear ever goes away, she said "No, not really." I don't know if that made me feel better, knowing I'm not alone in that, or made me feel worse, knowing it's never going to go away.

It's times like this that remind me that this journey isn't over. Sure I've learned some life lessons and gained some perspective, but now what...life isn't over. Its a daily reminder and sometimes seems like a daily struggle to keep those things in perspective and practice those life lessons. Things don't magically get easier with some newfound knowledge. It takes work, constant work, to stay on that path with the right frame of mind. It's ok that the fear is still there, I just can't let it run me or ruin me. Once again, cancer = teacher. At a certain point, you have to be ok with the fear and the idea of not knowing what's going to happen. Life is full of uncertainty, and uncertainty is a necessary part of getting where we want to go.

Always remember: Be thankful. Everyday.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends (and Family)

I can dedicate an entire blog, not just blog post, to the importance of having a support system and what mine means to me. So I'll do my best at giving everyone on my team the proper praise. I'm not one to ask for help or show that I'm struggling, and I definitely never want to talk about it. This whole experience has been a hard lesson in why the hell not?! Not just to ask for help, but to let people in. We all struggle and we all can use help at times, its ok to admit that. There's something to be said about those that put on a brave face, carry the entire burden, and stand alone...good for them because that's hard! But there's also something to be said for those who are brave enough to say, I am struggling and I need help. That's putting yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position, and I am usually not a fan of that. But this time, I had no choice, I needed to lean on those closest to me in all kinds of different ways.

First and foremost, my parents and brother. I literally would not have made it through this without them. There were many dark days, painful days, starving days, miserable days, no matter what kind of days...they were right by my side. It's not quite as scary when you roll into the doctors office with your entire family to hear what your fate will be. It's still pretty damn scary, but they were all there at every one of those big appointments and that was comforting. My surgeon and his assistant know my parents and brother personally and well! It's hard to fully articulate the unending support and love through thick and thin that I got from my family on this journey. They are amazing and I am so blessed to have them.

A lot of different people played a lot of different roles in showing and giving me support. This whole experience was one long roller coaster ride filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. Depending on the day or the hour, I needed different people in different ways. I am lucky enough to have amazing people in my life who wore several different hats in trying to make me feel better. There's the friend who's a good distraction from everything and helps you forget. The one who you're totally comfortable around and the jokes and conversation are normal and unchanged given the circumstances. There's the ones you can be totally sad with who will coddle you. Some friends who can put you in check and not let your mind wander too far. Then there's the friend to go deep with and have those scary, important, deep life questions and talks with. Another important role, in my opinion, is the therapist. Someone completely unbiased and unattached to your life, who is solely there to listen. I was very resistant to hop on board the therapy train, but I am huge supporter for it now!! Then there's the groups or people who have gone through something similar. It was very helpful for me to get in contact with someone who went through exactly what I have. They have all kinds of insight and understanding to your journey, it helps with the whole 'feeling totally alone' thing. You can be complete strangers, but in this one way, you share something so unique that only they can understand, which creates and instant closeness. Then there's those you come to realize who also share a common understanding...those who have been through a lot, who know struggle, suffering, and pain. Whatever caused that can be completely different from what you've gone through, but you'll come to find out those emotions and the work that goes into them are very similar!

It's cliche, but it's totally true, friends really are the family we choose for ourselves. We might even like our friends more than our family at times! My closest friends, my other family, all majorly stepped up for me in different ways throughout this journey. My cousin Nicole, who isn't just family, but someone I consider a close friend. She was there from the get go, like, literally always there!! She volunteered/was assigned as the person to come and stay with me in the early stages of it all. To keep an eye on me, to make sure I didn't go off the deep end, to simply just be there with me in whatever way I needed. The job was given to her because she's probably the only person I can stand to constantly be with during a time like that. We have a similar sense of humor and understanding about things. She knows when to be quiet and watch TV in silence, she knows when to crack jokes or throw in a sarcastic comment, and she knows when to get real. She was there during the ugly, miserable, early months of recovery while I was at home. There were some pretty gnarly days in the beginning and she was there, with the entire series of Laguna Beach in hand, to ride it out! My friend Kevin, who was a major support for me when those dark days hit. He was there to help me talk it all out and figure it all out. He was like my other therapist, only I didn't have to pay him. He literally gave me his house to live in, practically rent free, so I didn't have to move back to my hometown, San Pedro, and officially have life as I know it be over. It was incredibly generous of him, just to make a totally miserable time a little more bearable for me. Then there is one of my oldest and closest friends, Christine. Who was whatever I needed her to be from the beginning, middle, and current. She knows me better than anyone, (which I sometimes hate), but there's a comfort in that. She would be a distraction if I needed it, a laugh if I needed it, a couch and ear to listen if i needed it, or a reality check if I needed it. Whatever it was, she was.

There were countless others of course. My best friend Erica and her entire family were so present and generous in any way they could. Their house was literally my only outing other than the doctors office for those first few months. My roommate, Melissa, who I lived with after it was all over and my breakdown began. Poor Melissa, I was a mess and she was amazing. So many people, so many things. I could go on and on (I already kind of am). I kept every single card I received during that time, I have them in a little keepsake box and I still read them from time to time. It truly is amazing the amount of love and support I got from so many people.

This is just how it worked out for me, you don't need to have all of these people and all of these different types, I am just lucky to. But it is important to have just one. One person to lean on, confide in, laugh with, cry with...just one. You can go it alone, but I can tell you right now, you won't get very far. Let people in, lean on them, it will make the journey so much easier if you let it.

My good friend, Diana made this little booklet for me and these are a few pages out of it. It always makes me smile and reminds me of how much I am loved (Arnold was the name of my tumor).

Remember...Be thankful. Everyday.