One of the changes I'm not a fan of is how my mind has changed in relation to the fear. At the time I discovered my tumor, I can honestly say the word "tumor" and certainly the word "cancer" never crossed my mind. I'd never had a tumor before, why would I think this ginormous lump in my mouth is a tumor, and even crazier...cancer?! Those thoughts really never entered my mind. But now, I feel any sort of weird bump, or I'm more tired than usual for long periods of time and I am instantly convinced its back. The cancer did that, that fear. I hate it. I was never like that. A 'think the worst' type of person, even when it was blatantly clear and a tumor was literally staring me in the face, I didn't think it.
Hearing that you have cancer is a cancer in itself; it gets into your mind and infects it just as cancer does. Hearing those words forever changes the make up of your mind and thoughts. It is forever altered, the fear is always there, just like a cancer, eating away at you. Extracting that is a whole other type of cancer battle.
There have been a few times where I frantically called my doctor and was convinced I had another tumor and the cancer was back. There was a lump towards the back of my neck that I found while I was stretching and rubbing my neck one day. It was a legitimate lump, you could feel the outline and its random placement. It was instant panic. Instant sweat. Instant pit in my stomach. This blanket of fear just took over me, its back. Doctors visits ensued and scans were ordered, turns out its a skeletal mass that I just randomly have. Nothing to be worried about. Also, pretty much anytime I have a PET scan, it doesn't come back clean. I go through this whole roller coaster ride of these few lymph nodes lighting up in my neck, which of course sends me spiraling, but after further review it's just due to the ongoing sinus infection I have from my surgery, and is in fact not cancer. You have to understand how quickly you revert back to that terrifying place. If there's an ounce of you that believes that it's back, you're transported to that place in your head instantly and you're fighting you're way back out all over again.
Hearing that you have cancer is a cancer in itself; it gets into your mind and infects it just as cancer does. Hearing those words forever changes the make up of your mind and thoughts. It is forever altered, the fear is always there, just like a cancer, eating away at you. Extracting that is a whole other type of cancer battle.
There have been a few times where I frantically called my doctor and was convinced I had another tumor and the cancer was back. There was a lump towards the back of my neck that I found while I was stretching and rubbing my neck one day. It was a legitimate lump, you could feel the outline and its random placement. It was instant panic. Instant sweat. Instant pit in my stomach. This blanket of fear just took over me, its back. Doctors visits ensued and scans were ordered, turns out its a skeletal mass that I just randomly have. Nothing to be worried about. Also, pretty much anytime I have a PET scan, it doesn't come back clean. I go through this whole roller coaster ride of these few lymph nodes lighting up in my neck, which of course sends me spiraling, but after further review it's just due to the ongoing sinus infection I have from my surgery, and is in fact not cancer. You have to understand how quickly you revert back to that terrifying place. If there's an ounce of you that believes that it's back, you're transported to that place in your head instantly and you're fighting you're way back out all over again.
It's about that time of year again for my yearly scan and those nerves are starting to kick in. I know it's totally normal to be nervous and freaking out, but I still hate it. It's a constant battle in my head to not let my mind wander too far. Of course all the 'what if's' start playing, along with the long list of already bad memories, moments, places that are already associated with this. It just stirs up a lot of emotions and memories, none of which I ever wish to visit again. I don't know if the nerves around scan time ever go away?? The therapist I was seeing specialized in traumatic injury or illness and was a cancer survivor herself for almost 25 years. When I asked her if that fear ever goes away, she said "No, not really." I don't know if that made me feel better, knowing I'm not alone in that, or made me feel worse, knowing it's never going to go away.
It's times like this that remind me that this journey isn't over. Sure I've learned some life lessons and gained some perspective, but now what...life isn't over. Its a daily reminder and sometimes seems like a daily struggle to keep those things in perspective and practice those life lessons. Things don't magically get easier with some newfound knowledge. It takes work, constant work, to stay on that path with the right frame of mind. It's ok that the fear is still there, I just can't let it run me or ruin me. Once again, cancer = teacher. At a certain point, you have to be ok with the fear and the idea of not knowing what's going to happen. Life is full of uncertainty, and uncertainty is a necessary part of getting where we want to go.
Always remember: Be thankful. Everyday.
It's times like this that remind me that this journey isn't over. Sure I've learned some life lessons and gained some perspective, but now what...life isn't over. Its a daily reminder and sometimes seems like a daily struggle to keep those things in perspective and practice those life lessons. Things don't magically get easier with some newfound knowledge. It takes work, constant work, to stay on that path with the right frame of mind. It's ok that the fear is still there, I just can't let it run me or ruin me. Once again, cancer = teacher. At a certain point, you have to be ok with the fear and the idea of not knowing what's going to happen. Life is full of uncertainty, and uncertainty is a necessary part of getting where we want to go.
Always remember: Be thankful. Everyday.
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