Staying Present

It's a weird thing to grasp, something that was so awful, yet I'm so thankful for the experience. I don't know if I'd say I've come to terms with it all yet, but I've definitely made progress. It's no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. What I've come to realize is that this damn prosthetic in my mouth keeps me present. It smacks back to the here and now and I think that's a good thing.

I'm very aware of the monotonous routine of daily activities. When I'm eating, when I'm taking a bite of food, drinking something, my posture while swallowing, saying certain words, and brushing my teeth. Those aren't things I just do without thinking, I'm very much aware because I have to be. I have this little device in my mouth that allows me to perform everyday activities such as talking, breathing, eating, and drinking. It also reminds me of when I couldn't eat solid food, when it was a struggle to talk, breathe, and swallow. It makes me appreciate so many little things and so many little moments so much more. It smacks me right back to the present moment and I am grateful for that.

It's no secret, life will not always go our way or according to the plan. But that's ok. Take a deep breath. What matters is how you respond, how you bounce back, how you deal. I've used this quote before by Mastin Kipp, "Your power is always in your response, never in your circumstance." I love that line. It's powerful, it puts the power in your hands.

I often wonder if certain things or thoughts will ever go away. Will scans always turn me into a ball of nerves? Will the fear of it returning ever go away? Will I really always have this thing in my mouth, forever? Maybe those things just change in regards to how I think of them, but the thought of it is still there? I'm approaching my 3 year anniversary of diagnosis and surgery. I usually hate this time of year. All sorts of reminders of things I never want to be reminded of. But it feels a little different this year. Or maybe its how I'm relating to it all is what's different. I don't have that loathsome feeling towards it, I don't have that same anxiety of it approaching, I definitely still have all the memories, I don't think that ever goes away. I don't know, but it just feels different this year. Is that growth? I wouldn't say I'm excited about the anniversary of it all, but I am excited in the sense that this time of year is approaching and I'm actually ok. This is new territory for me. I kinda like it.

Always remember...Be thankful. Everyday.