February and March are big months for me, they hold a lot of anniversary dates for my cancer and surgery. They tend to stir up a lot of emotions and can get my mind wandering back to those deep dark corners that I used to frequent often. It might seem silly to some, but each anniversary, each year is big deal for me. Each year its like I let out a big sigh, I made it, I can do anything now. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty damn proud of myself for how I've handled these last few months. I've managed them quite well. I know what my triggers are that can send me spiraling, and I know what tools work for me to manage them. When I do have bad days, (because I definitely still do) I am not hard on myself for it, I take a deep breath and try to get back to center...which sometimes can take a while, but that's ok!
I think back to only a year ago at this time and I was a complete wreck (seriously, just ask my roommate at the time). I was still in the middle of a major depression, still on anti-depressants, still seeing a therapist, and basically wearing a "handle with care" sticker across my forehead. I'm proud of my progress and where I am now. The journey is not over and my work is not done, but I have come a long way. It's funny, you don't even notice you've turned a corner until your halfway down the next block with all this new space and room to grow. You take a look back behind you and its like, hey look at that, look how far I've come. It feels good. Makes you stand up a little taller. I'm getting to the point now where I can wear my story like a badge of courage. Yeah, this happened, and yeah, I'm ok. I can share my story now instead of running and hiding from it. A year ago, talking about everything that happened like I am now with all of its dark and dirty parts would have been impossible. Talking about it means actually admitting it all happened, and a year ago I wasn't there yet. I am there now though and I am ready for the next chapter. There was a time when I needed to be lost and miserable, to just sit with my thoughts and figure this all out. It was perfectly acceptable given the situation, to take some time off from everything, to recover both mentally and physically. But that time is over. I no longer want to use this traumatic event as a crutch. Don't get me wrong, it was traumatic and I did need some time, but I am ready to move on.
What I have found with all of the things I have learned is that it has nothing to do with cancer. These lessons and aha moments I have come to learn are universal to all of life's lemons. They are not limited to cancer patients or someone whose struggle is similar to mine. Everyone struggles, everyone has something to overcome, or some kind of suffering to face. I most certainly will have other obstacles to overcome, although I hope to god it's not this again. But if you let these struggles or tragedies teach you and grow from them, you are so ready to take things on the next time around. With impossible situations comes great opportunities. Pain, suffering, defeat...it's truly a humbling experience. Nelson Mandela said it best, "after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb." Through this journey, I've learned to tackle life, not cancer. My cancer journey has not been about what I've lost, its been about what I've gained. My mouth may have shrunk, but my heart has grown and my perspective has broadened, and here I am, thriving more than ever.
Never forget...Be thankful. Everyday.
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