Back to Basics

Once my body was out of survival mode and I actually began to process everything, I realized that this whole ordeal will have some greater impact and meaning in my life other than being a totally shit situation. I understood that if I let it, it will change me into a more whole and authentic person. How or in what way, I had no idea. But I knew it was there, I could feel it, I just didn't know how to let it in. It was like I was standing there with my arms open to the sky, yelling to the universe "I'm ready ...CHANGE ME!!" I know it doesn't actually work that way, you can't force it. I understood the intellectual concept of acceptance, what it meant, but I didn't know how to actually achieve it, how to let it in. To be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure if I know now, but one thing I do know for sure is that you cant force it. Acceptance, healing, growth....all of these things take time. I freakin' hated that answer!!! --- it takes time. I wanted it now, I wanted to learn the lessons, find the light at the end of the tunnel, and most importantly I wanted it to be over! I'm not sure if time really does heal everything, but it does help a great deal. You have to give the time some time.

I mulled over this whole 'achieving acceptance' thing for a few weeks. I asked a few friends their take on it, I even googled "how do you achieve acceptance." I wanted an answer, the 'how to' guide for acceptance and the steps that went along with it. Well good ol' google had exactly that! Duh, they have 'how to's' on everything!! I didn't use it though, but it got my wheels turning, along with things my friends said. That's the thing, what works for some people might not work for others, but its important to at least be open to all of it. I knew I had to figure it out for myself though.  One day when I was visiting my little cousins Joey and Massi, who at the time were 7 and 2, it finally clicked. I needed to be more like them. It was so simple. The keys to my recovery and getting out of the dark forest, as I would call it, were all things I learned in kindergarten. Things like forgiveness, love, kindness (not just to others, to myself as well), being gentle, being open, compassionate, etc. If I could be more like Joey and Massi I was going to find my way out of this. I look at them and they just exude love, happiness, kindness, curiosity, and acceptance. Things aren't complicated for them yet. They don't really know fear, anger or pain. There was no complicated answer or formula to find my way out, it was just back to basics. Back to things I learned when I was 5. This reminded me of one of my favorite quotes from author and spiritual teacher, Marianne Williamson, "Love is what we're born with, fear is what we learn." This is going to sound super cheesy, but a big part of acceptance is a return to love. It starts inward with yourself and then can be spread outward to other people and things.

I truly believe that nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know. I knew that if I ever wanted to move on, I needed to accept what happened and from that acceptance would come the lessons, the growth, the changes. This is definitely one of those things where its not about the destination, but the journey. I haven't fully come to terms with everything that's happened, but just because I haven't gotten there yet, doesn't mean I'm not succeeding. I am still learning, still growing, and still accepting. Every little change in perspective or a-ha moment is a major accomplishment and a major stepping stone for more to come! So be proud!

And remember...Be thankful. Everyday.